Are you homeschooling a lazy child? Or perhaps you are homeschooling a careless child. Or a sloppy child. Or a thoughtless child. Or an ungrateful child. Or an irresponsible child. Frustrating, right?
So hard to have a child who is lazy, careless, sloppy, thoughtless, ungrateful, or irresponsible. Homeschooling is a drag with a child who will not try, does not give a good effort, makes a mess, doesn’t take responsibilities seriously, and doesn’t care a bit about the amount of effort you are putting into homeschooling.
If they would just stop being lazy, you could get through the school work and have time to do things they might even find more enjoyable.
What’s wrong with this picture?
By inwardly or outwardly labeling your child as “lazy,” you have assigned a negative moral quality to the child’s character.
That’s serious business. Are you sure you want to do that?
Now the kid has something to live down to. Not exactly the parental intent.
When you find yourself homeschooling a lazy child, chances are you may be victim of your own . . . lazy . . . thinking. (Doesn’t feel very good to be called lazy, does it?)
How to homeschool “lazy children” more effectively:
- Reframe how you label them. Stop inwardly or outwardly calling your child lazy. It’s not constructive. It doesn’t get to the root of your child’s challenges. It’s name calling and verbally abusive. Is your “lazy” child more interested in their own thoughts than in assigned work? Is your child dreamy and in their own world? Is your child easily distracted by more exciting alternatives, like video games and YouTube? Is your child at peace with not striving for accomplishment every day? Use these words to accurately assess instead of labeling a child as lazy.
- Reconsider your approach. Are you homeschooling in a way that is engaging for your child? Are you listening to their resistance signals and remixing your homeschool to be more interesting and customized for that child? Or are you “sticking to your guns,” trying to insist on an approach to homeschooling you are committed to but that is not working for your resistant child. Customize your homeschooling to meet your child’s needs!
- Recalibrate your expectations. Are you expecting too much, too fast, and for too long? Parents often expect every child of theirs to be “above average” and “on grade level” and super interested in a sport, a musical instrument, an artistic pursuit, and scholastic achievement.
A negative label creates a negative expectation. Leave space for a child to find motivation in their own time around their own interests. Cultivate your own faith in your child, that they will want to do well in the world.
Understand that shaming, blaming, and describing poor character do not help children overcome challenges. Although shaming a “lazy” child may create short-term compliance in some children, you may find yourself paying a bigger price over time if your relationship deteriorates.
We don’t always think about our children precisely. It’s a shortcut to managing our own frustration with lack of progress when we offload the problem onto a “lazy” child, leaving ourselves less responsible for how things are going. If it happens from time to time, forgive yourself, apologize to your child, and continue to be conscious of reframing, reconsidering, and recalibrating.
If this is happening very often at your house, get help. Really. You may benefit from counseling or help with homeschooling. Your child may need assessment for depression or learning challenges.
This is a public service message on behalf of lazy kids who don’t cooperate with your version of homeschooling and family life. Dig deeper. They’re worth it!
A popular speaker at homeschooling conferences, business groups, and parents’ groups, Jeanne Potts Faulconer homeschooled her three sons in North Carolina, Mississippi, and Virginia for twenty years. Holding her Master of Arts degree in Communication, Jeanne conducted portfolio evaluations for Virginia homeschoolers for evidence of progress for many years. Jeanne is a former college faculty member, former editor for several publications, news correspondent for WCVE, and former director of Brave Learner Home. She is the contributing editor for TheHomeSchoolMom newsletter and writes the popular Ask Jeanne column addressing homeschool parents' questions here at TheHomeSchoolMom.
Agree with above comment that this article is not helpful. I am helping a friend homeschool her kids. My first student was adopted at 11 and VERY difficult. Kids can have vices! Her kids are truly lazy. They don't care if they get a lousy education as long as they don't have to do their work! My kids did WAY more work, even my first student. The parents won't reinforce or discipline to make the kids catch up. If they don't care whether their kids can get a good job, not my problem, not my kids. I have completed raising 2 kids with a third off to college soon. Character guidance is one of the most important things, then knowledge. I don't need counseling. You just don't appear to have enough depth of experience to try to help frustrated homeschooling parents.
I did not find this article very helpful or encouraging. A lot of parent-shaming, no actual guidance, tips, or sympathy.
When searching for help in a situation like this, it is natural to default to looking for information that will help us change the child and change the child’s “lazy” (or unmotivated or challenging) actions and attitudes so they will “get with the program.” I know that’s what I was looking for when my kids were not easy or compliant or motivated. But the truth is, as with all human interactions, the only person who is in our control to change is . . . ourselves. We can also, depending on the circumstances, change our child’s environment and help our child develop skills and solve problems as part of that.
My suggestions to reframe, engage your child, adjust expectations, and avoid labeling to be helpful aren’t quick or easy, and they don’t change a child’s actions or attitudes quickly or by themselves. That said, reframing, for example, is a pretty time-tested strategy for beginning the process of understanding the needs children have beneath their behavior. Dr. Ross Greene calls this a “lens change,” seeing a child’s challenges through the prism of unsolved problems and lagging skills.
For more about this approach, look at the Lives in the Balance website or read Raising Human Beings by Dr. Greene.
I am sympathetic to parents whose children do not do as parents want or expect. That’s because I learned sooooo much from this dynamic during my years of homeschooling and raising kids.
I hope the addition of the resources I linked here will make your experience on this page more helpful. Homeschooling kids is not easy, and how to motivate them is always debated. In my experience, it does come down to parents making shifts. Others may have other approaches.
Thanks for letting us know this article didn’t land for you. I’ll keep trying.
Looking forward,
Jeanne