Homeschooling the Lazy Child

Are you frustrated with your child's lazy behavior? Or sloppiness? Or thoughtlessness? Or lack of responsibility?

It's so hard to have a child who acts lazy or careless. Homeschooling is a drag with a child who will not try, does not give a good effort, makes a mess, doesn’t take responsibilities seriously, and doesn’t care a bit about the amount of effort you are putting into homeschooling.

If they would just try harder, you could get through the school work and have time to do things they might even find more enjoyable.

It's tempting to call a child lazy when they exhibit these behaviors, but by inwardly or outwardly labeling your child as lazy, you have assigned a negative moral quality to the child’s character.

I know! You didn't mean to do that!

It's just so hard to work with a child who does not seem to want to cooperate, who truly seems lazy.

And it's exhausting. As a parent, you can see so clearly what a child needs to do to proceed with school work, but their unwillingness does feel like something they should be able to turn around. And they just don't—and won't!

And? The word "lazy" has been used to describe unmotivated and uncooperative kids (and adults) for so long in our society that it just seems part of the conversation. However, psychologists typically find calling a kid lazy to be a type of name-calling or shaming, and they say shaming is damaging to a child's brain—something many parents have not heard.

The key to homeschooling a child you consider to be lazy is to look beyond the behavior—even though it is the behavior that is so frustrating. Behaviors that show up as laziness and sloppiness are often indications that something else is going on that a parent may need to address.

Your child's "laziness" may mean there is a need for testing, assessment, therapy, or a different approach to homeschooling. How their brain is wired may mean they really can't help their behavior.

Here are a few ideas to turn things around.

1. Look for a root cause within the child. Root causes for these behaviors might be:
   • ADHD
   • Poor executive function
   • Learning disabilities
   • Overwhelm because of not understanding the material or being too far behind
   • Anxiety or depression
   • Lack of readiness to work independently—still needs a coach or companion helping side-by-side
   • Perfectionism and fear of failure ("If I don't try, I'm not really failing.")
2. Look for a root cause within your homeschooling approach. Are you homeschooling in a way that is engaging for your child? Are you listening to their resistance signals and remixing your homeschool to be more interesting and customized for that child? Or are you standing firm, trying to insist on an approach to homeschooling you are committed to, but that is not working for your resistant child? Customize your homeschooling to meet your child’s needs!
3. Recalibrate your expectations. Are you expecting too much, too fast, and for too long? Parents often expect every child of theirs to be “above average” and “on grade level” and super interested in a sport, a musical instrument, an artistic pursuit, and scholastic achievement.
4. Reframe how you label your child. Pay attention to when you feel the word "lazy" crossing your mind, and try to see your child from a more positive perspective. Is your “lazy” child more interested in their own thoughts than in assigned work? Is your child dreamy and in their own world? Is your child easily distracted by more exciting alternatives, like video games and YouTube? Is your child at peace with not striving for accomplishment every day? All of these may accurately describe your child without making it sound like they have a permanent character flaw.

A negative label creates a negative expectation. Leave space for a child to find motivation in their own time around their own interests. Cultivate your own faith in your child, that they will want to do well in the world.

Describing a child (or adult) as having poor character, such as being lazy, does not help them overcome challenges. Although calling out a “lazy” child may create short-term compliance in some children, parents sometimes pay a bigger price over time if their relationship with their child deteriorates.

We don’t always think about our children precisely. It’s a shortcut to managing our own frustration with lack of progress when we offload the problem onto a “lazy” child, leaving ourselves less responsible for how things are going. If it happens occasionally, forgive yourself, apologize to your child, and continue to be conscious of reframing, reconsidering, and recalibrating.

If this is happening very often at your house, get help. Really. You may benefit from counseling or help with homeschooling. Your child may need assessment for depression or learning challenges.

This is a public service message on behalf of lazy kids who don’t cooperate with the parental version of homeschooling and family life. Dig deeper. They’re worth it!